Love And Other Destoroyahs

Have you ever been in love?

I mean REALLY in love?  Where you get that sinking feeling of butterflies in the pit of your stomach, and you cheeks hurt from smiling too much?  I can honestly say that I’ve been in love.  Aside from my family, there were maybe 2.5 to 3 girls where I just KNEW I was In Love.  And looking back there was probably only One where I actually was.  Its really funny to reminisce about the loves of your life and realize that it wasn’t quite love after all.  You were just swept up in lust and attraction, and maybe you were just in love with the feeling of wanting to be in love.  Or the feeling of just not being alone for once.  But in the end…Love is really some strange thing that can happen towards basically anyone or anything.  Its just a magnet of attraction that pulls every part of your being towards something else that is attractive to the best (or worst) parts of you.

Throughout my entire life there has only been one thing aside from my family that I was constantly in love with. From the very first moment I laid my eyes on it, I just knew that we were destined to experience a lifetime of joys and sorrows together.  Something that I just knew that I would devote myself to, because no matter how good or bad it could possibly be, it ALWAYS invoked those feelings of happiness deep within the recesses of my blackened soul. 

That one thing…

Is Godzilla

He Got Game

This was not a love that came right away I might add.  I was introduced to Godzilla though a few of his friends and eventually made my way to the big guy.  See…growing up I was FASCINATED by dinosaurs.  Everything about them was so incredibly intriguing and I had to soak up every bit of information I could about them.  If you pointed out a dinosaur to me at the age of 5, I could tell you everything there was to know about said dinosaur.  

Prepare for death by cuteness overdose.

Believe it or not…by retaining this vast knowledge of dinosaurs into my adult life, its somehow even gotten me laid once.  (which is another fascinating story that I may save for a future blog) Because of my Dinosaur infatuation, naturally I was pulled towards all things Dinosaur related.  Growing up there was one thing that played constantly on AMC that I never seemed to miss.  King Kong.

At the Empire State Building.  Seriously one of the best experiences of my LIFE!

As a child there was nothing better to me and for my vast imagination.  I mean come on...A GIANT FUCKING GORILLA FIGHTS A TYRANNOSAURUS REX AND THEN RIPS ITS FUCKING JAWS OPEN.  Your argument about what’s cooler is now INVALID. 

Awesome...Awesome to the MAX

After seeing King Kong for the 7,354th time, I finally noticed him in the outside world on one of our family trips to Wal-Mart.  There he was…sitting on a free standing, rotating VHS wire rack next to the electronics section of what is now basically old, black, shitty paperweights.

But he wasn’t alone.  He was with a giant fucking spiked dinosaur as they fought over some Asian type building.  Whatever gods created this magical documentary movie must have been studying me the same way I had Studied dinosaurs.  Because there were all my hopes and dreams…right there next to the Old…Black…Shitty…Paperweights.  There was never such a beautiful sight. 

Remember these gorgeous things?

Now because I was such a shitty child I was not getting this holy grail right then and there.  I had to barter, and somehow manipulate my parents into thinking I was a beacon of hope for their future, and one that DESERVED such a magnificent gift from the gods.  It wasn’t easy, and it took WEEKS of half-assed done chores and good reports from manipulated pre-school teachers.  But it was worth it.  

WE’RE GOING TO WALLY WORLD!

YAY!!!

As we get to the dirty old Wal-Mart I remember sprinting to that old freestanding wire rack as I did each time upon arrival during the excruciating months in anticipation.

“Its finally here.”

“Today is the day.”

“I meet destiny today…”

“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DESTINY!!???”

It was gone…

I remember the soul crushing despair of seeing an empty space on the rack next to shit movies like Pretty Woman and When Harry Met Sally.

FUCK THOSE MOVIES! 

From that moment on, I was a depressed 5 year old with nothing more to live for.

My life…was over.

Weeks went by, and my nagging and moping only got worse.

Chores?  Whats the point.  It won’t get me Godzilla.

Teachers?  To hell with them.  It won’t get me Godzilla.

“Today is the day”

“Today is the day I finally let my sister succeed in her thousand attempts at killing her unwanted brother.  I mean why not?”

“When I get home from school I'll let her push me off of a tree.  Or electrocute me again. Or let her put sharp objects next to the bed for when I inevitably fall off the top bunk from my insane sleep/break dancing.”  (all of these 100% happened to me by the way...my sister was fucking EVIL)

“Today is the day”

Now back in 1990, a kindergartner could walk home from school without the burden of things like Amber Alerts.  Im sure abductions still happened, but who the hell wants to abduct some dirty little Mexican trash baby?  Not I sir...Not I.

Mexican Trash Baby in its natural habitat.  Do not feed please.

Today…that walk was the longest of my life.

“Oh great…now I’m home.   Where is my sister so we can get this over with?”

“Wait…What the fuck is that?”

There was something shining with the brightness of a million suns on the dirty wood of the used coffee table stationed in our living room.  Earlier in the day, my caretaker (AKA MOMMY DEAREST) had made a trip to Wally World and purchased something she thought would would curb my insatiable need for destruction and self loathing.  But…it wasn’t King Kong vs Godzilla.  Actually…IT WAS BETTER.

If you’ve never seen a Godzilla Movie, and you happen to be an adult, Godzilla v.s. Megalon is probably either the absolute BEST, or absolute WORST movie for you to start with. Its got a horrible Campy story line, and its one of the most kid friendly Godzilla movies ever made.  It was PERFECTION for a 5 year old to start off with.  I Immediately ran to my parents room and threw the VHS in the tape player like a master ninja throws a shuriken.  (Chinese star for you non ninjas)

You know how many times your kids have watched Frozen?  Yea…thats how many times I’ve watched Godzilla v.s. Megalon.  Its a shit show in the absolute best kind of way.

Oh yea...THIS happens in the movie...

Fast Forward 24 years…

Nothing has changed. 

That feeling I got when I first saw that VHS on the wire tape rack?  I still get that. 

That feeling I got when I first saw that VHS on the coffee table?  I STILL get that. 

That feeling I got when I first watched Godzilla V.S. Megalon?  I STILL GET THAT!

You can only imagine how I’ve felt during these last few weeks as the new Godzilla movie came out. 

Spoiler Alert - I FELT FUCKING AWESOME!

“But Tony…whats the absolute best part about loving a monster who is an allegory for the devastation of war and use of nuclear weapons?” you might ask?

Well...the best part is that I've successfully passed on my love from one 5 year old…

To the next.

Godzilla will return in the Avengers...

Beyond The Wall

Miracles are rare anomalies that happen to a select few.  The very definition of miracle is “an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or naturalpowers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.”  

I feel like this word gets tossed around A LOT.

So, because good shit happens to people, instead of saying “MAN…i just had some GOOD SHIT happen to me!”  people will substitute “some GOOD SHIT” with “A MIRACLE”.  

This is neither "Good Shit" or a "Miracle"

Don’t even get me started on birth being a “Miracle” either, when it happens literally BILLIONS of times a day throughout over a MILLION different species. 

Dawwww...CUTE!

Unless you don’t have any kind of internal organs and you end up having triplets or something.  Then not only did you witness a miracle first hand…you’ve got your hands fucking FULL.

See the joke here is that they are empty soulless creatures who had kids!

Speaking of babies: True Story…(maybe)

When my mom found me behind that dumpster eating left over scraps of meat from the carcass of a dead bear I had freshly killed as an infant (takes deep breath from describing stuff) she thought...“this child is special, I think ill take him home, raise him, clothe him, and feed him something other than dead bear carcass.”  

It was a well intentioned thought, but she would soon learn that Wildlings are exactly what their name describes them as.  Because i was definitely 80% Wild and 20% Lings.  (still haven’t exactly figured out what that other 20% actually does. 

From the very beginning I was a terrible force.  If I could get into something...I was in it. If I could do something...I would do it. If i could hurt myself doing something stupid...I did it.  There is a reason you don't take wild animals home to raise them.

Whose idea was this...because its AWESOME

It seems like it was only yesterday when Six year old me flew over my handle bars while trying to pop a wheelie on a speed bump, sending a rock straight through my gums.  Then, giggling my ass off when the blood gushing from my mouth coughed its way all over your clothes.  You freaked out...I laughed.
(Side note: if you've never had stitches in your mouth I highly recommend them!  They are Delicious!) But, blood gushing or not, you still always managed to calm me down with our game of who can be the first to say "I love you more than you do haha hehe hoho".  And according to my stats I was a winner 100% of the time.

I'm also a horrible stat keeper, so give or take about 50%

As I got older my personality spun around like one of those things in the movie Twister - A Tasmanian Devil.  I was stuck between a kid who wanted to imitate every cartoon he saw, to a kid who wanted to imitate every friend he had.  This made it hard on you and dad because between a never ending flow of silliness, there was a monster who just HAD to prove he was some kind of bad ass.  There wasn't much middle ground.

Kids...if you're reading this (although I kind of hope not), never try to be someone who thinks they are more bad ass than you actually are.  If you have the balls to straight up call your parents "Fucking Bitches" then here are a few things that are going to happen to you.

1. Your parents are going to tag team beat your ass like The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin back in the glory days of 1998

2.  You might think about running away, but you will soon realize that being alone and away from the people who actually care about you is not all the songs and tales that the train hopping hobo on the Simpsons made it seem to be.

3.  You will actually hurt the people who love you the most and who do EVERYTHING for you.  You will regret it for the rest of your life.

It took me at least 18 years to realize what y'all did for me, and that it was never an option for the two of you to give up.  Im glad I was found by people who were as stubborn, tough, and patient as I actually turned out to be.  It took that and more to even attempt to raise me.

Parenting is hard as fuck…but I’m first hand witness to the power that a persons love can have on one persons life.  Right now I'm at the age where most of my friends are becoming parents, so I would like to go against every aching notion in my being and do something I will never do again...give advice on raising your children.  Even though most of you would probably say "What does he know?  He doesn't have kids and he can barely manage to take care of himself!"  (thanks for pointing that out...jerk)  Well I know this...Love your Children and all of their flaws.  Your children are going to be fucking nightmares, shit talkers, head strong, always think they're right little assholes, and theres nothing you can do about it.
But you were no different.
Every being on this planet is different and your kids are NOT going to turn out exactly like you, or the way you want them too.  They won't even grow up in the same time as you so they will NEVER have the same experiences that molded you into...well...you.  BUT, as long as you react to their destructive or inconsiderate behavior with love,  they will slowly learn by example.
Above all...this is the most important job of a Mother.

So...to the mother who decided to put up with a rabid and malfunctioning creature, who by some MIRACLE she helped turn into what I would hope is actually a good Human Being, I just want you to know that you are that “SOME GOOD SHIT” that happened to me throughout my entire life.  

I made this!

I Love You More Than You Do HaHa HeHe HoHo

And Here. We. Go.

Hi there friends.  Welcome.  And Hello!

If you are reading this then you have decided to read my first blog.  A blog that I decided to start because I figured that random Facebook pictures and status one liners just didn’t tell enough about yours truly…me.  

If you are familiar with me (which I’m assuming so, because why hell else would you be here?), then you probably know me as that one guy, you ran into that one time, who said 5 good jokes and then awkwardly stared at a trash can for the remaining fifteen minutes that you were in my presence. 

THATS ME!

If you don’t know me (again, why the hell are you even here, and how did you find me…CREEPER), Then here are ten things that might give you insight into the enigma that is myself.

1. I’m an unofficial professional eater

2. I have a dog.  His name is Seymour.

Actually...this is him

3. Seymour has HUGE balls

Disclaimer: Not actually Seymour's balls

4. I like to do any activity that keeps me outside.  I guess I’m “Active”, or whatever the fuck that means.

Really it usually just ends up like this...           

5. I like to use curse words to put an emphasis on things.  Also because it makes me happy inside.

6. Im a kid at heart, and I also like to eat the hearts of kids. (KIDDING!  But only about that second part)  It does make it slightly easier to relate to these guys though!

7. Despite how cool I make my internets screens to be, and my mom tells me…Tony is really just a shy guy who enjoys his own company as much (if not more) than he enjoys the company of others.

Except for this guy that is                

       

8. Third person seemed like a cool way to describe myself on number seven…IT WAS NOT.

9. Im super geeky.  Like, think of that guy in high school who wore Dragon Ball Z T-shirts and never got laid.  That was totally me, except I totally got laid.  It's impressive as fuck now that I actually think about it, but I am slightly charming in between Star Wars and Godzilla conversations.   Also, I had a No Limit chain back then which totally gave me street cred son. 

10. I love to write and my memory is insanely good.  Which means that if I’ve ever hung out with you then I can guarantee I’ve got a story about you written down somewhere that would make at least 6 out of 10 people laugh.  The other 4 people died earlier from laughing.  Horrible, Horrible deaths really. 

Disclaimer: This is actually a man suffering from Boneitis

So there you have it!  I hope at least three people will enjoy reading about my random adventures.  Who knows...maybe one day I can turn something stupid you did that one night when you were wasted and thought I wasn't paying attention because I was staring at a trash can, into a story that will make your future children laugh with ashamedness. (New word I just made up)  

As for the title of this blog (in case your were wondering), it does not come from some dark place/cry for help where I want you to feel sorry for me.  It comes from the fact that I constantly tell stories I think are funny or entertaining to people, and get the reaction of laughter mixed with the phrase “God…you’re gonna die alone”.  I thought it would be the perfect way to describe my future adventures.  And actually they probably aren’t far off. 

Fuck It.