In 2005 I went to my first…and ONLY spring break. A couple friends and I decided to pack up our bags and head on down to South Padre. It was an incredibly awesome time, but mostly because i spent most of it involved in legitimate riots, throwing Grey Goose and Gatorade bottles full of sand at peoples faces. Apparently riot police with tear gas showed up…but myself and my friend had been long gone after we had our fill of needless violence. The entire time I was there I saw exactly ONE pair of boobs and a beach full drunk college white guys who decided the 50 degree, windy weather was no where near cold enough for them to not take their shirts off to impress the equally drunk white girls. But For me…Spring break was all about that amazing riot.
Unknown to me there were two other people there who I had yet to meet, but whom met for the first time themselves. A drunk Guy met a drunk girl whom he was attracted to and even went as far as to propose in the free pancake line later that evening. Have you ever proposed in a free pancake line at 3 in the morning after glorious spring break night of drinking? Well I know someone who has, and apparently…IT FUCKING WORKS! While I didn't meet this magical pancake couple at that point in time (even though we were in the same damn pancake line that night) a year later it would seem that our lives would still intertwine for many more nights of drunken breakfast meals and proposals.
Fast forward a year later, I decided to make one of those life changing moments that everyone always talks about. I decided to give up my dream of becoming a Rodeo Clown Astronaut and relocate myself to Austin Texas.
Sigh...what could have been...
After a month or so of adjusting to Austin life i decided it was time to make some new friends, so I joined a beer league, co-ed, flag football team. BEST DECISION EVER! Thats when I met that drunk pancake proposing couple (and plenty of other amazing friends) who have been a part of my life ever since.
I didn’t know where to go with this blog, because its hard to cover an almost 9 year time period. But since those two amazing people just had a life changing moment of their own, I decided i would share with you (the reader) a couple of my favorite times with them.
JAMES
They say your first time is Special. I was 23 when I finally decided I was ready. Every person who asked me, I always told them that I wouldn’t do it unless I had soothing music, candles lit, and JUST the right girl. One night after a quick happy hour, James had decided for himself that I was ready. I disagreed at first…but he was driving, and we were already on our way. I was nervous being my first time and all…but with some convincing that took place in the 15 min drive, and our glorious arrival, I finally realized It was time.
The first few steps up to the door must have been what Neil Armstong felt when he was taking those final steps before his first step on the Moon.
There was a well dressed intimidating gentleman at the door who greeted us with an amazing smile.
“Welcome to Palazio Gentleman”
“Hello Mr Strip club man. I’m new here. Might there be ladies of the night awaiting?” Yes Tony…yes there were.
The first thing I found out about the strip club is something that I still love about them. Its well known that there are gorgeous topless women around…but the very BEST part about a gentlemen’s establishment is the people watching. You never know how NOT creepy you are until you surround yourself with hundreds of amazingly creepy creeps. We sat down at a table that was shared by a Twenty something, regular looking, frat guy. For this story…um…I guess we can just call him Herman. Yea, that kind of fits.
“Hey man…do you mind if she sit here?”
With a stone cold, emotionless, gaze, Herman slowly looked up and eloquently told us…
“ya”
Then, just as slowly as he looked up, he focused right back on the strippers with out even a single smirk.
I on the other hand looked liked the same kid who got his Godzilla 2 video game on christmas. My eyes were only matched in size by the smile that wrapped around the back of my head.
Herman though…was a fucking pro. I watched him raise his hand, move his fingers, and get one of the lowliest strippers in the establishment without moving a single facial muscle.
Now I described Herman as a frat guy, but really who the hell knows. I only say that because he was wearing flip flops, khaki cargo shorts, and a pastel colored polo. You know…the classic frat guy uniform.
James and i just couldn’t keep our eyes off of him. I’ve seen naked women before, but Hermans emotionless gaze reminded me of someone who was probably a serial killer in his spare time. I mean seriously…who gets a woman grinding on them for a 3 minute Buck Cherry song without even the slightest hint of a smile? Herman…thats who.
Herman had to return some video tapes.
When the song was over one of the most hilarious things happened that will forever be burned into my memory. The stripper gets off, turns around and puts her hand out for Herman to pay her. When he stood up I realized that he must have picked up his cargo shorts from an Indian Graveyard because haunted Indian spirits had pitched a Tee Pee in those God awful Khaki atrocities. Amazingly though…it didn’t phase him one bit. There Herman was, Standing with his crooked hard on less than 3ft away from James and I without a single fuck given.
HeHeHe....
James and I looked at each other in complete and awkward disbelief as Herman counted out 20 one dollar bills in the middle of the strip club with a raging boner. When he paid the stripper, he calmly sat down with his emotionless non moving face, and went about gazing through people souls. (No doubt deciding which ones he would take back to Satan, his lord and master.) Still not giving a fuck, he didn’t even think to tuck it back…just three guys on a friday night, hanging out at a strip club, and with one erection strong enough to knock over the beers on our table. If you ask James and I to this day we wouldn’t be able to tell you a single thing about the strippers in the establishment that night, but we will be able to tell you in incredible detail about creeper ass Herman and his khaki shorts erections. Strip clubs are FUN!
Lenessa
You always hear that a friend should be so good that they would give you the shirt off of their back. If thats the case…Im an AMAZING fucking friend. One night after watching Ice Cube wreck shit at SXSW we all decided to go out to 6th street for a little bit of fun. By fun I mean drinking…cause drinking is fun.
We parked a good mile away from 6th street so by the end of the night we were all pretty drunk walking back. The weather was a little brisk for a March, but it was totally bearable and nothing to fret about for a normal person. BUT…there are normal people…and then there is drunk Lenessa. Its about 2:30 in the morning and the road is packed full of what is most likely intoxicated drivers. Len is quiet on our walk, but nothing to be alarmed about. We had a group of about 10 or more people with us walking across busy Congress, but we seem to have lost one. James and I are on the tail end of the group when we look back and notice Len standing in the middle of the street on Congress with her arms folded and head down like an upset toddler. Like with your average drunk toddler we yell at them first.
“LEN!!! LETS GO!!! YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!”
No response…holy crap the light is yellow now.
James runs out there and throws her over her shoulder like a Volkswagen in a Strong Man Competition. Lenessa was SO determined to look upset that she didn’t unfold her arms and pouty face as she was being tossed around on James shoulder. When he put her down we asked her why she had stopped in the middle of the road.
“Its COLD…and I don’t want to move because when I move...its COLD.”
And she literally just stood there…on the sidewalk…not moving.
100% accurate portrayal.
James was getting upset because NOTHING he could say or do would dissuade her. He also wasn’t about to carry her on his shoulder for the remaining mile back to the car. So In a moment of what can only be described as pure, mediocre, heroism, I pulled off my shirt, and stuffed it over Lenessa. She paused with a bewildered look on her face as I stood in front of her sans shirt and she realized her defeat. She was moving again. Arms still crossed under the used T-shirt and head still down she slowly followed us back to the car. Luckily in Austin most people don’t think twice about a shirtless Mexican galavanting about downtown, causing mischief like throwing giant bags of sand over the bridge to see how big of splash I could cause. That kind of shit is just normal here. The next morning I got a call of her laughing her ass off and thanking me for being the type of friend that Cliches are made of.
Another Sunday morning years later I talked to her after one of her company Christmas parties we were at, and she happened to be calling me from her closet, asking me how she ended up there with all of her clothes on, clutching her purse, and why James wouldn't talk to her. I was in the middle of Sunday breakfast with my family laughing MY ass off because 1. Thats just an incredibly absurd situation, and 2. James was just messing with her since she randomly went to sleep in the there after looking for her PJs and never making it out. I look forward to a Sunday morning call from Lenessa...because more than likely...its gonna be GOOD.
Lenessa is such an AMAZING person…but God Damn is she so funny when she is drunk.
James, Len, and Tony
So here we are…almost 9 years later and we are still the very best of friends. I just had the pleasure to watch an Incredible woman with the most radiant smile I have ever seen, walk down the isle, and marry one of the best men that I've ever had the privilege of knowing.
I don’t know what the future holds for us…but I know exactly what our pasts are made up of. The two of y’all are responsible for some of the most amazing memories that I have ever experienced in my 29 years of life. On top of that, knowing I’ve got y’all there to bail me out of jail when I need it is always an added perk. Because Jail totally sucks.
I can’t wait to be a part of your lives as a married Robles couple, but I’m pretty sure I’ve always been a part of that life. It’s more than likely I was there for the first drunken proposal, so I'm down to be there for whatever else y’all need me to be. So for that, I will always be around...and I cant think of anything I would rather be doing.
And they lived happily ever after to eat pancakes in the wee hours of the morning...
