I'm a guy...I don't cry.
Not to say I HAVEN'T cried before, but just in general I don't cry. I mean there are the occasional times of smoke in my eyes happening when a close family member dies, or when the Iron Giant says he is Superman just before he crashes into that a nuclear missile fired by that asshole Kent Mansley.
Spoiler Alert - Tears incoming.
But that's neither here nor there. Aside from those rare events of close family passing, or the every other Friday night at home when watching cartoon movies crying in my closet with dirty clothes piled on top of me...I NEVER CRY.
"So...Is this blog going to be about how you're such a little bitch Tony?"
No reader...no its not.
This blog is actually about every ones favorite and most awkward thing to talk about...SEX!
LOTS of brothers in my case...know what i'm sayin? Eh..Eh...Ah whatever.
I've tried to abstain (heh...pun INTENDED) from talking about sex in my blogs for the most part. Firstly it will probably get me in hot water with the ladies that I'm blogging about (If they ever read this), and secondly it will probably lead to some REALLY uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinners where my grandmother will for sure light one of those Mexican candles with Jesus on it for me as she prays for my soul.
BUT...oh well. I realized that I have some super awkward and funny sex (and almost sex) stories that y'all would TOTALLY be missing out on. So rather than just talk about the time I awkwardly lost my virginity, or the time I MIGHT have had relations with a woman twice my age...the theme I'm going to go with for this one is, you guessed it...
Or...Houston Jesus perhaps?
BUT...oh well. I realized that I have some super awkward and funny sex (and almost sex) stories that y'all would TOTALLY be missing out on. So rather than just talk about the time I awkwardly lost my virginity, or the time I MIGHT have had relations with a woman twice my age...the theme I'm going to go with for this one is, you guessed it...
GIRLS CRYING BEFORE SEXY TIMES
Yes, This is a problem that I've actually faced. Also, don't think because I'm writing about my sex life that I'm getting it on the regular either. It just seems that the few times that I actually get a chance to bump uglies...weird and awkward shit just seems to happen to me. Luckily I've seen it happen to a friend too before, so I know its not just me. You REALLY don't know what Awkward is until you've seen a stripper cry and try to confide in you about her baby daddy getting arrested the night before while simultaneously getting fellatio from another woman naked in his car. THEN she suddenly gets the urge to bang, goes to a back room, and then takes it in the butt from one of your best friends. But that's another story for another time I guess.
On three separate occasions I've had this happen to me. (none of them strippers...yet) One of the stories I probably wont get into detail about, because the gist of that story was a girl noticed I was good at reading people and she wanted me to read her. I didn't want to at first,(because pointing out peoples attributes and sometimes flaws NEVER ends well) but she convinced me with the promise of sex. Well reading her made her cry because she said she had never had someone be so honest, truthful, and correct about her. She then tried to make good on her promise with sex, but I did not accept said promised cry sex. Oh well...cant win em all.
Now that leaves two other girls, and two pretty funny stories in my opinion.
This one girl and I had probably an 8 year old back story that is just as awkward as the story I'm about to tell you. (She may or may not have professed her feelings for me before getting married...or maybe not...who knows. I do actually.) For the sake of this blog, I won't go into ALL of the detail about that because it would TOTALLY give her away, and I just want to give only the story that pertains to the subject at hand. This is the story of...
G-Dubz
A couple of years ago I got a friend request and a message on Facebook from you know who. I figured its been 8 years so she probably forgot about all the weird shit that went down. We are casual at first, and we just talk a bit, but nothing major. I accidentally say that I'll be in her city in a few weeks, so because she hears that and she wants to hang out. She is not married anymore...so whats the worst that could happen...right?
RRRIIIGGGHHHHTTT...
I agree, and when I finally make it down to her city...well...honestly I only called her because I ran into her friend at a bar. She was going to tell her I was in town and I didn't want to seem like the asshole who didn't call her when I said I would. I call...and literally FIVE MINUTES LATER she comes walking through the door. Completely dressed to the T. I'm already a bit drunk, and she is an attractive female...so why the hell not? After a night of drinking its time to close out and go our separate ways. But, alcohol and hormones mean that going our separate ways pretty much meant going our separate ways back to her place. (Awesome…I’m going to SEX!) So there we are…sitting on her couch making out. We start undressing and I take her to the bed. I'm pretty much laying there in just my briefs and a MASSIVE hard on, while she is just over the briefs grinding me without a top on. I look down at her panties and I notice something...unsettling. She has A LOT of hair coming out the sides of her panties. It looked as if she may have been giving birth to Buckwheat head first. From that point on she earned the name George W. Bush…or just G-Dubz for short.
OHHH TAY!
So lets be honest...a giant bush is FAR from a deal breaker. ESPECIALLY for a drunk Tony. So fuck it…I proceed. More making out and such pursues, and when I try to take off the bush riddled panties, she stops me.
“Wha...Whats wrong? I thought you wanted this?"
“Well I DO want this…but I can’t have sex right now. I'm on my period”
Still not totally a deal breaker, so drunk Tony is not completely dissuaded.
“Look, I've had a relationship before. I know how girls get on their periods, so if you want to I've got condoms and its not THAT big of a deal for me”
“No its not that…We can’t have sex because its in the Bible. The bible says that you can’t have sex while you’re on your period”
“Really? You’re going to tell me THAT as you’re grinding on top of my man hammer topless?”
“well we just can’t…its in the bible”
At this point I've completely lost any interest in sex. Now I'm actually more interested in the BLARING hypocrisy that I'm witnessing first hand. So time for Tonys skills of drunk observations to get to work.
“Wait a second…So on top of you making out and dry humping me topless…YOU ALSO HAVE A TATTOO! The Bible also says that you’re not supposed to get tattoos!”
“Well I just felt that I needed to get it after my divorce”
(by this point she is starting to tear up crying while talking about her failed marriage…and then I made it EVEN WORSE. Oh well...drunk Tony is in the ZONE)
“Oh yea…forgot to mention that the bible also says you’re not supposed to get divorced!”
And thats it…she’s bawling her ass off as she’s sitting on top of my erection topless.
And then it happens.
She starts to heave because she is going to throw up.
That's right...she's bawling her ass off…as she’s sitting on top of my erection topless...and she's about to throw up.
I jumped out of the bed and run her to the bathroom.
She starts throwing up in the toilet and I quietly lurk back to put on my clothes. As I’m fully clothed she comes out and asks me to stay because things will be different. I decline, because its just best that I leave. Nothing sobers a man up and kills an erection quicker than an emotional wreck of a half naked woman. I haven't seen or really heard from her since, but I guess that's probably a good thing.
Good ol' G-Dubz…I sure hope she has maybe trimmed that by now. Probably not though...probably not.
LA LLORONA
Be forewarned...If you move next to my friends and you are a single, attractive, female, there is a pretty good chance that you and I will end up naked and sexing. The last place they lived, their neighbor and I hooked up...and it turned out GREAT! Not only did I have great sex, but I even made a pretty cool friend out of it. So it all worked out. HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT IT WOULD'NT BE THE SAME AGAIN?
Fast forward about six years and maybe eight or so neighbors that are older couples and dudes...we have another winner. New neighbors move in and I notice that one of them is actually pretty attractive. She's a single mother living with her roommate (cracks knuckles) I've got this.
Now my first interactions with her happen on the night of her neighbors birthday outing. She came out and we all got to meet her...which was...interesting to say the least. To be honest, there were red flags all around that chick. But hey, who cares about red flags when there is the smell of sex in the air?
Men don't.
I distinctly remember looking at my friend straight in the eye and saying "Hey, Im gonna hit that". But, sadly I did not "hit that" that evening. Just worked my way up to messing around with her and not much more. We exchange numbers and I don't really hear from her much after that.
Fast forward a few weeks.
I get out from a movie at around One in the morning. She knows this because I went to the movie with her neighbors. As soon as I get home I get a call from her that went something like "hey, I'm kind of lonely. Want to come over and keep me company?" That answer is "YES"...that answer will ALWAYS be yes.
I come over and expect to walk in the door and some sexy porno like scenario plays out where I show up to clean her pool, only to find out she has no pool, but she keeps me around because I'm Mexican, and I'm pretty handy with house work. (What? House work can be sexy too. Ok...fine, throw in sex somewhere in there too.) But this is not some sexy porno like scenario...this is real life. And in real life you find a grown woman sitting on a couch at one in the morning, watching netflix episodes of Army Wives, while drinking a Coors. Eww. There's already like two strikes against her in that last sentence alone...but for now...whatever. Sex, amirite? Also, have you ever seen Army Wives? It's a HORRIBLE fucking show. It basically takes all the best cliches of the army and puts them into an hour long soap opera with shitty actors. I'm watching this shitty show, making awkward conversation for about fifteen minutes, when all of a sudden the most stupid sub-plot on that show sets her off. Apparently an army guy and his fiance are talking about adoption. She wants a kid of her own and he wants to adopt. Then he drops DA BOMB on that bitch.
"Honey...I never told you...but...I'M ADOPTED"
I smirk with laughter because of the horrible acting and shitty story line, but when I look to my right, La Llorona is choking up. She puts her hand over her mouth and repeatedly screams "oh my God, OH MY GOD!" And just like that she is in full blown cry mode.
I tried to console her...but HOLY SHIT did that backfire on me.
"Hey...It's alright. It's just a TV show."
"FUCK YOU, ITS NOT JUST A TV SHOW! I FUCKING LIVED THROUGH THIS SHIT. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!"
"umm...ok. Look, maybe I should just get out of here."
"No! No, no, no...Im sorry. Its just that my ex was in the military so I completely relate to this show. Please...just sit back down with me."
Theres a lot going through my mind at this point. But as I'm sure you can tell, I'm DEFINITELY not using my mind to think right now. At least not the right one I should be listening to. So I reluctantly stay put, because HOPEFULLY putting up with all of this crazy will pay off.
A few minutes later I get hit with the big question.
"So I want you to be honest with me, what do you want from this? Because I'm looking for a relationship."
I don't like to lie. Not even to girls who are potentially only hook ups. So I tell her the truth.
"I'm not really looking for that actually. I'm just looking to have fun and see where it all goes. If somehow it led to that, then cool...if not then at least it was fun."
You would have thought I told her I was adopted or something because she got set off AGAIN.
"YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU! All of you MEN are the EXACT fucking same. You know what...YOU NEED TO LEAVE! You and I are on two COMPLETELY different planes of thought! Just put your shoes on and get out!"
I'm sitting there dumbfounded. I have ZERO clue as to what the hell is going on. So I stand up, put on my shoes, and get ready to walk out of the door.
"WAIT! What are you Doing?"
"Well, I'm leaving. You just told me to leave!"
"WELL I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT! PLEASE don't go. I'm sorry, I just want you to stay here."
Again, SO MUCH is going through my mind right now. But again still, I'm not thinking with my mind and my dick pretty much convinces me through irrefutable facts and logic.
"Hey buddy, I know what you're thinking...you should get out while you're still safe. BUT...hear me out. Sex is TOTALLY better than not staying here to deal with a crazy and possibly Bi-Polar woman. You wont get sex if you leave here and go home to watch Iron Giant alone for the 500th time. Trust me man...I'm a doctor."
"You know what penis? YOU'RE RIGHT! I should listen to you more often because I know you would NEVER lead me astray!"
Fast forward about six years and maybe eight or so neighbors that are older couples and dudes...we have another winner. New neighbors move in and I notice that one of them is actually pretty attractive. She's a single mother living with her roommate (cracks knuckles) I've got this.
Now my first interactions with her happen on the night of her neighbors birthday outing. She came out and we all got to meet her...which was...interesting to say the least. To be honest, there were red flags all around that chick. But hey, who cares about red flags when there is the smell of sex in the air?
Men don't.
I distinctly remember looking at my friend straight in the eye and saying "Hey, Im gonna hit that". But, sadly I did not "hit that" that evening. Just worked my way up to messing around with her and not much more. We exchange numbers and I don't really hear from her much after that.
Fast forward a few weeks.
I get out from a movie at around One in the morning. She knows this because I went to the movie with her neighbors. As soon as I get home I get a call from her that went something like "hey, I'm kind of lonely. Want to come over and keep me company?" That answer is "YES"...that answer will ALWAYS be yes.
I come over and expect to walk in the door and some sexy porno like scenario plays out where I show up to clean her pool, only to find out she has no pool, but she keeps me around because I'm Mexican, and I'm pretty handy with house work. (What? House work can be sexy too. Ok...fine, throw in sex somewhere in there too.) But this is not some sexy porno like scenario...this is real life. And in real life you find a grown woman sitting on a couch at one in the morning, watching netflix episodes of Army Wives, while drinking a Coors. Eww. There's already like two strikes against her in that last sentence alone...but for now...whatever. Sex, amirite? Also, have you ever seen Army Wives? It's a HORRIBLE fucking show. It basically takes all the best cliches of the army and puts them into an hour long soap opera with shitty actors. I'm watching this shitty show, making awkward conversation for about fifteen minutes, when all of a sudden the most stupid sub-plot on that show sets her off. Apparently an army guy and his fiance are talking about adoption. She wants a kid of her own and he wants to adopt. Then he drops DA BOMB on that bitch.
"Honey...I never told you...but...I'M ADOPTED"
DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN!!!!
I smirk with laughter because of the horrible acting and shitty story line, but when I look to my right, La Llorona is choking up. She puts her hand over her mouth and repeatedly screams "oh my God, OH MY GOD!" And just like that she is in full blown cry mode.
I tried to console her...but HOLY SHIT did that backfire on me.
"Hey...It's alright. It's just a TV show."
"FUCK YOU, ITS NOT JUST A TV SHOW! I FUCKING LIVED THROUGH THIS SHIT. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!"
"umm...ok. Look, maybe I should just get out of here."
"No! No, no, no...Im sorry. Its just that my ex was in the military so I completely relate to this show. Please...just sit back down with me."
Theres a lot going through my mind at this point. But as I'm sure you can tell, I'm DEFINITELY not using my mind to think right now. At least not the right one I should be listening to. So I reluctantly stay put, because HOPEFULLY putting up with all of this crazy will pay off.
A few minutes later I get hit with the big question.
"So I want you to be honest with me, what do you want from this? Because I'm looking for a relationship."
I don't like to lie. Not even to girls who are potentially only hook ups. So I tell her the truth.
"I'm not really looking for that actually. I'm just looking to have fun and see where it all goes. If somehow it led to that, then cool...if not then at least it was fun."
You would have thought I told her I was adopted or something because she got set off AGAIN.
"YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU! All of you MEN are the EXACT fucking same. You know what...YOU NEED TO LEAVE! You and I are on two COMPLETELY different planes of thought! Just put your shoes on and get out!"
I'm sitting there dumbfounded. I have ZERO clue as to what the hell is going on. So I stand up, put on my shoes, and get ready to walk out of the door.
"WAIT! What are you Doing?"
"Well, I'm leaving. You just told me to leave!"
"WELL I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT! PLEASE don't go. I'm sorry, I just want you to stay here."
Again, SO MUCH is going through my mind right now. But again still, I'm not thinking with my mind and my dick pretty much convinces me through irrefutable facts and logic.
"Hey buddy, I know what you're thinking...you should get out while you're still safe. BUT...hear me out. Sex is TOTALLY better than not staying here to deal with a crazy and possibly Bi-Polar woman. You wont get sex if you leave here and go home to watch Iron Giant alone for the 500th time. Trust me man...I'm a doctor."
"You know what penis? YOU'RE RIGHT! I should listen to you more often because I know you would NEVER lead me astray!"
So I sit back down and she puts her hand on my thigh. It seems like its some kind of apology petting...so I'm just gonna go ahead and go with it. As she's working her way up she immediately tells me
"You know were not going to have sex, right?"
"Look, honestly if it doesn't happen then I'm alright with that."
At which point she immediately straddles me and takes off her top. My head brain and dick brain are in OVERLOAD right now.
Head Brain - "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING HERE? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?!!
Dick Brain - "WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
So yea...sex happens. The expectations for the sex from a crazy, Bi Polar, and possibly unstable woman are almost too much. In fact, they ARE too much. The sex was...bad. Boring, completely quiet, void of passion, and weird sex. She would say things like
"You need to go real slow ok...NO! POUND ME! POUND ME!"
I had no clue what the hell to do. I was so confused. So my dick and head brain started a back and forth again.
Dick Brain - "Hey man...look...this isn't really what I thought it was going to be like. So...yea...I'm just gonna go ahead and take a time out from this. I'll check you out later when you wake up in the morning."
Head Brain - "Hey no, no, no! Where you going man! I need you right now!"
Dick Brain - "Peace Out Homie!"
And just like that...he was gone.
I stopped because there wasn't much left that I could do. Luckily she got off, so there were no real complaints. Just...quiet awkwardness. I get up, put my clothes on, and throw the condom in the flip top trash can. I'm ready to go because my mind feels like its overcoming a hangover. Then she's back at it again.
"Hey what did you do with the Condom?
"Ummm...I threw it away. Why?"
"Did you wrap it up in an napkin?"
"No, why would I do that?"
"MY SON GOES DIGGING THROUGH MY TRASH! OR MY ROOMMATE MIGHT EVEN FIND IT! I DON'T WANT MY KID OR ROOMMATE TO KNOW WHAT I DO IN MY SPARE TIME!"
I had no clue that her kid or roommate liked to go digging through trash cans in their spare time. But by this point I'm just accepting whatever is happening.
"Yea ok...let me go through the trash, find the condom, and wrap it up in a napkin."
I went ahead and did that and made my way for the door. She opens the door for me and I look back up her stairs and I notice that every door to her roommates and kids rooms are open. I guess she lives with deaf trash diggers...otherwise anyone who lived in that house knows EXACTLY what happened. I'm sorry kid, but I hope that doesn't turn into some deep seeded childhood scar.
Whatever...I NEED to get out of here.
"alright...well...thanks? So I'll give you a call tomorrow."
"No you won't. You men are all the same."
"Wait what? Ok then...I'll text you?"
"No you won't, just leave."
"Alright fine then, I guess I wont. Look...thanks and all, but I should be going."
And just like that, that part of the night is over. I walk back to my friends house in a complete daze. Thinking they would be asleep, I decided to come in through the back door. To my surprise...they were up...hanging pictures...at Three in the morning. I don't know who the hell does that but thank God they were up because I for sure needed to decompress. I spent the next hour recanting this very story to them with a surprising amount of regret. She was right though...I didn't call or text her back. I got a text like a week later in the middle of the night saying something like "What did I do to deserve you not calling me back after I gave you my virginity?"
Yup folks...thats how this story ends. I haven't heard from her since that last Gem of a text, but a part of me thinks that is for the best. Actually...ALL OF ME thinks that it is for the best. The wost of it all is that on top of the mediocre sex, I am now constantly terrified that crazy will seek me out. Also, I have an EXTREMELY unsettling nervousness each time I go visit my friends.
I deserve it though...I deserve every bit of it.
Stupid Dick Brain.
"You know were not going to have sex, right?"
"Look, honestly if it doesn't happen then I'm alright with that."
At which point she immediately straddles me and takes off her top. My head brain and dick brain are in OVERLOAD right now.
Head Brain - "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING HERE? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?!!
Dick Brain - "WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
So yea...sex happens. The expectations for the sex from a crazy, Bi Polar, and possibly unstable woman are almost too much. In fact, they ARE too much. The sex was...bad. Boring, completely quiet, void of passion, and weird sex. She would say things like
"You need to go real slow ok...NO! POUND ME! POUND ME!"
I had no clue what the hell to do. I was so confused. So my dick and head brain started a back and forth again.
Dick Brain - "Hey man...look...this isn't really what I thought it was going to be like. So...yea...I'm just gonna go ahead and take a time out from this. I'll check you out later when you wake up in the morning."
Head Brain - "Hey no, no, no! Where you going man! I need you right now!"
Dick Brain - "Peace Out Homie!"
And just like that...he was gone.
I stopped because there wasn't much left that I could do. Luckily she got off, so there were no real complaints. Just...quiet awkwardness. I get up, put my clothes on, and throw the condom in the flip top trash can. I'm ready to go because my mind feels like its overcoming a hangover. Then she's back at it again.
"Hey what did you do with the Condom?
"Ummm...I threw it away. Why?"
"Did you wrap it up in an napkin?"
"No, why would I do that?"
"MY SON GOES DIGGING THROUGH MY TRASH! OR MY ROOMMATE MIGHT EVEN FIND IT! I DON'T WANT MY KID OR ROOMMATE TO KNOW WHAT I DO IN MY SPARE TIME!"
I had no clue that her kid or roommate liked to go digging through trash cans in their spare time. But by this point I'm just accepting whatever is happening.
Hey Kid...go home. Your mom is calling.
"Yea ok...let me go through the trash, find the condom, and wrap it up in a napkin."
I went ahead and did that and made my way for the door. She opens the door for me and I look back up her stairs and I notice that every door to her roommates and kids rooms are open. I guess she lives with deaf trash diggers...otherwise anyone who lived in that house knows EXACTLY what happened. I'm sorry kid, but I hope that doesn't turn into some deep seeded childhood scar.
Whatever...I NEED to get out of here.
"alright...well...thanks? So I'll give you a call tomorrow."
"No you won't. You men are all the same."
"Wait what? Ok then...I'll text you?"
"No you won't, just leave."
"Alright fine then, I guess I wont. Look...thanks and all, but I should be going."
And just like that, that part of the night is over. I walk back to my friends house in a complete daze. Thinking they would be asleep, I decided to come in through the back door. To my surprise...they were up...hanging pictures...at Three in the morning. I don't know who the hell does that but thank God they were up because I for sure needed to decompress. I spent the next hour recanting this very story to them with a surprising amount of regret. She was right though...I didn't call or text her back. I got a text like a week later in the middle of the night saying something like "What did I do to deserve you not calling me back after I gave you my virginity?"
Yup folks...thats how this story ends. I haven't heard from her since that last Gem of a text, but a part of me thinks that is for the best. Actually...ALL OF ME thinks that it is for the best. The wost of it all is that on top of the mediocre sex, I am now constantly terrified that crazy will seek me out. Also, I have an EXTREMELY unsettling nervousness each time I go visit my friends.
I deserve it though...I deserve every bit of it.
Stupid Dick Brain.
NEVER AGAIN...maybe...probably...hopefully?
So the moral of the story children is this - If someone starts to cry on you before romantic relations...GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! Seriously, no good can come of it. Trust me...I've done all the research, and tested those waters out for you. And yea, those waters are DEEP. No matter how attractive she may be, sex with a crazy is 100% not worth it. Ughhh...I cant believe I'm giving the advice to ask you to reconsider having sex with and attractive woman. It almost makes me want to cry.
But I'm no gonna do it.
Cause I'm a Guy...
I don''t cry.
