And Here. We. Go.

Hi there friends.  Welcome.  And Hello!

If you are reading this then you have decided to read my first blog.  A blog that I decided to start because I figured that random Facebook pictures and status one liners just didn’t tell enough about yours truly…me.  

If you are familiar with me (which I’m assuming so, because why hell else would you be here?), then you probably know me as that one guy, you ran into that one time, who said 5 good jokes and then awkwardly stared at a trash can for the remaining fifteen minutes that you were in my presence. 

THATS ME!

If you don’t know me (again, why the hell are you even here, and how did you find me…CREEPER), Then here are ten things that might give you insight into the enigma that is myself.

1. I’m an unofficial professional eater

2. I have a dog.  His name is Seymour.

Actually...this is him

3. Seymour has HUGE balls

Disclaimer: Not actually Seymour's balls

4. I like to do any activity that keeps me outside.  I guess I’m “Active”, or whatever the fuck that means.

Really it usually just ends up like this...           

5. I like to use curse words to put an emphasis on things.  Also because it makes me happy inside.

6. Im a kid at heart, and I also like to eat the hearts of kids. (KIDDING!  But only about that second part)  It does make it slightly easier to relate to these guys though!

7. Despite how cool I make my internets screens to be, and my mom tells me…Tony is really just a shy guy who enjoys his own company as much (if not more) than he enjoys the company of others.

Except for this guy that is                

       

8. Third person seemed like a cool way to describe myself on number seven…IT WAS NOT.

9. Im super geeky.  Like, think of that guy in high school who wore Dragon Ball Z T-shirts and never got laid.  That was totally me, except I totally got laid.  It's impressive as fuck now that I actually think about it, but I am slightly charming in between Star Wars and Godzilla conversations.   Also, I had a No Limit chain back then which totally gave me street cred son. 

10. I love to write and my memory is insanely good.  Which means that if I’ve ever hung out with you then I can guarantee I’ve got a story about you written down somewhere that would make at least 6 out of 10 people laugh.  The other 4 people died earlier from laughing.  Horrible, Horrible deaths really. 

Disclaimer: This is actually a man suffering from Boneitis

So there you have it!  I hope at least three people will enjoy reading about my random adventures.  Who knows...maybe one day I can turn something stupid you did that one night when you were wasted and thought I wasn't paying attention because I was staring at a trash can, into a story that will make your future children laugh with ashamedness. (New word I just made up)  

As for the title of this blog (in case your were wondering), it does not come from some dark place/cry for help where I want you to feel sorry for me.  It comes from the fact that I constantly tell stories I think are funny or entertaining to people, and get the reaction of laughter mixed with the phrase “God…you’re gonna die alone”.  I thought it would be the perfect way to describe my future adventures.  And actually they probably aren’t far off. 

Fuck It.