Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Love And Other Destoroyahs

Have you ever been in love?
I mean REALLY in love?  Where you get that sinking feeling of butterflies in the pit of your stomach, and you cheeks hurt from smiling too much?  I can honestly say that I’ve been in love.  Aside from my family, there were maybe 2.5 to 3 girls where I just KNEW I was In Love.  And looking back there was probably only One where I actually was.  Its really funny to reminisce about the loves of your life and realize that it wasn’t quite love after all.  You were just swept up in lust and attraction, and maybe you were just in love with the feeling of wanting to be in love.  Or the feeling of just not being alone for once.  But in the end…Love is really some strange thing that can happen towards basically anyone or anything.  Its just a magnet of attraction that pulls every part of your being towards something else that is attractive to the best (or worst) parts of you.



Throughout my entire life there has only been one thing aside from my family that I was constantly in love with. From the very first moment I laid my eyes on it, I just knew that we were destined to experience a lifetime of joys and sorrows together.  Something that I just knew that I would devote myself to, because no matter how good or bad it could possibly be, it ALWAYS invoked those feelings of happiness deep within the recesses of my blackened soul. 
That one thing…
Is Godzilla

He Got Game

This was not a love that came right away I might add.  I was introduced to Godzilla though a few of his friends and eventually made my way to the big guy.  See…growing up I was FASCINATED by dinosaurs.  Everything about them was so incredibly intriguing and I had to soak up every bit of information I could about them.  If you pointed out a dinosaur to me at the age of 5, I could tell you everything there was to know about said dinosaur.  

Prepare for death by cuteness overdose.

Believe it or not…by retaining this vast knowledge of dinosaurs into my adult life, its somehow even gotten me laid once.  (which is another fascinating story that I may save for a future blog) Because of my Dinosaur infatuation, naturally I was pulled towards all things Dinosaur related.  Growing up there was one thing that played constantly on AMC that I never seemed to miss.  King Kong.

At the Empire State Building.  Seriously one of the best experiences of my LIFE!

As a child there was nothing better to me and for my vast imagination.  I mean come on...A GIANT FUCKING GORILLA FIGHTS A TYRANNOSAURUS REX AND THEN RIPS ITS FUCKING JAWS OPEN.  Your argument about what’s cooler is now INVALID. 

Awesome...Awesome to the MAX

After seeing King Kong for the 7,354th time, I finally noticed him in the outside world on one of our family trips to Wal-Mart.  There he was…sitting on a free standing, rotating VHS wire rack next to the electronics section of what is now basically old, black, shitty paperweights.
But he wasn’t alone.  He was with a giant fucking spiked dinosaur as they fought over some Asian type building.  Whatever gods created this magical documentary movie must have been studying me the same way I had Studied dinosaurs.  Because there were all my hopes and dreams…right there next to the Old…Black…Shitty…Paperweights.  There was never such a beautiful sight. 

Remember these gorgeous things?

Now because I was such a shitty child I was not getting this holy grail right then and there.  I had to barter, and somehow manipulate my parents into thinking I was a beacon of hope for their future, and one that DESERVED such a magnificent gift from the gods.  It wasn’t easy, and it took WEEKS of half-assed done chores and good reports from manipulated pre-school teachers.  But it was worth it.  
WE’RE GOING TO WALLY WORLD!

YAY!!!

As we get to the dirty old Wal-Mart I remember sprinting to that old freestanding wire rack as I did each time upon arrival during the excruciating months in anticipation.
“Its finally here.”
“Today is the day.”
“I meet destiny today…”
“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DESTINY!!???”
It was gone…
I remember the soul crushing despair of seeing an empty space on the rack next to shit movies like Pretty Woman and When Harry Met Sally.
FUCK THOSE MOVIES! 
From that moment on, I was a depressed 5 year old with nothing more to live for.
My life…was over.
Weeks went by, and my nagging and moping only got worse.
Chores?  Whats the point.  It won’t get me Godzilla.
Teachers?  To hell with them.  It won’t get me Godzilla.
“Today is the day”
“Today is the day I finally let my sister succeed in her thousand attempts at killing her unwanted brother.  I mean why not?”
“When I get home from school I'll let her push me off of a tree.  Or electrocute me again. Or let her put sharp objects next to the bed for when I inevitably fall off the top bunk from my insane sleep/break dancing.”  (all of these 100% happened to me by the way...my sister was fucking EVIL)
“Today is the day”
Now back in 1990, a kindergartner could walk home from school without the burden of things like Amber Alerts.  Im sure abductions still happened, but who the hell wants to abduct some dirty little Mexican trash baby?  Not I sir...Not I.

Mexican Trash Baby in its natural habitat.  Do not feed please.

Today…that walk was the longest of my life.
“Oh great…now I’m home.   Where is my sister so we can get this over with?”
“Wait…What the fuck is that?”
There was something shining with the brightness of a million suns on the dirty wood of the used coffee table stationed in our living room.  Earlier in the day, my caretaker (AKA MOMMY DEAREST) had made a trip to Wally World and purchased something she thought would would curb my insatiable need for destruction and self loathing.  But…it wasn’t King Kong vs Godzilla.  Actually…IT WAS BETTER.
If you’ve never seen a Godzilla Movie, and you happen to be an adult, Godzilla v.s. Megalon is probably either the absolute BEST, or absolute WORST movie for you to start with. Its got a horrible Campy story line, and its one of the most kid friendly Godzilla movies ever made.  It was PERFECTION for a 5 year old to start off with.  I Immediately ran to my parents room and threw the VHS in the tape player like a master ninja throws a shuriken.  (Chinese star for you non ninjas)
You know how many times your kids have watched Frozen?  Yea…thats how many times I’ve watched Godzilla v.s. Megalon.  Its a shit show in the absolute best kind of way.

Oh yea...THIS happens in the movie...

Fast Forward 24 years…
Nothing has changed. 
That feeling I got when I first saw that VHS on the wire tape rack?  I still get that. 
That feeling I got when I first saw that VHS on the coffee table?  I STILL get that. 
That feeling I got when I first watched Godzilla V.S. Megalon?  I STILL GET THAT!
You can only imagine how I’ve felt during these last few weeks as the new Godzilla movie came out. 
Spoiler Alert - I FELT FUCKING AWESOME!



“But Tony…whats the absolute best part about loving a monster who is an allegory for the devastation of war and use of nuclear weapons?” you might ask?
Well...the best part is that I've successfully passed on my love from one 5 year old…



To the next.



Godzilla will return in the Avengers...

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