10 Years A Single

Ten years is a lot of time.  

Really…think about all of the AMAZING things that have happened to either you or your friends in the last Ten years.  Pretty crazy huh?  I mean a decade ago did you REALLY think you would be a married? A parent? Or an adult film star because you went to that movie audition that happened to be at 2 in the morning in an office behind the 7/11 that only had a desk, creepy old dude, and a black leather couch?  I THOUGHT NOT.  Obviously that didn’t happen to me because I’m not making a thousand to five thousand dollars a day. Not to mention that I don’t take direction well.  Probably for the best though.  

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As for me it’s not what did happen to me in the last 10 years…but what didn’t happen.  For the last decade I have been 100% (shamefully?) single.  I’m turning 30 this week and unless an amazing woman falls from the sky, Its pretty much going to be guaranteed that I will have been single throughout  my entire 20s.  Literally speaking, it would make total sense that the most perfect woman I’ve ever met falls from the sky right in front of me and splatters everywhere.  Just so the Single Gods can have one more laugh at my expense.  Man…that was kind of morbid.  Oh well!

Yes…I know.  I tend to write a lot about my failed mishaps and complete ineptness in the dating world.  But what can I say…I’ve got more experience in this field than most people.  I could probably write a blog a day for a year and I would still have enough cringe worthy dating stories or “almost got the girl” mishaps to fill it…even with a leap year.   The first time I ever actually tried to have a girlfriend I was in 5th grade.  I stayed up all night memorizing the lyrics to the master hit that was Hey Lover by LL Cool J and Boys 2 Men.   I had this vision of me rapping the lyrics to my crush (a cute 6th grader) and she would fall madly in love with me and have my 5th grade babies.  If you know anything about Kerrville…thats really not far from the truth. 

One of these moms ended up in porn...but all of them pretended to be in it.

It was the last day before Christmas break and I woke up that morning Jittery as fuck.  My lines were rehearsed, and it was time to lock this girl down for the rest of her life.  I took P.E at the end of the day which I shared with her and was the only time I actually got to see her.  P.E. basically consisted  everyday of running around the baseball backstop and then just doing whatever the fuck else you wanted to do on the playground.  As soon as it started, I sprinted my ass off and was the first one done.  But…I couldn’t find her.  “DAMNIT!”  My whole 5th grade life hinged on this moment.  I had to find her.  Turns out 6th graders got to do 6th grade stuff right before the semester ended where they didn’t have to hang out with us little kids.  Im determined though…I'm not letting this one get away.  As soon as the period ended I saw her walking with her 6th grade girl friends and I grabbed her arm and told her I had something to tell her.  Naturally, all of her friends stopped too,  just to hear what I had to say.  Oh well…fuck it…here it goes.

“It was Harlem at the Rukers, I saw you wit cha man,

Smilin Hm, a coach bag in your hand.

I was layin in the coop with my hat turned back,

We caught eyes for a moment but that was that”…

I finished the whole song.  I couldn’t understand it at the time, but her friends had their hands over their mouths completely wide eyed.  She was completely red.  I took that as the only sign I could…I KILLED IT!  I was about to have my first real girlfriend!  I waited for what seemed like forever in awkward silence while her friends snickered under their hands and kids walked past us in the breezeway.  Something great is supposed to happen now…right?  She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek but didn’t say a word.  She walked away and that was literally the last time I ever saw her.  I think she moved out of town or something but I heard her name every now and again from mutual friends, and each time I did I was still thinking…she’s waiting for me to sing her more LL songs.  Probably not though, cause the only person to get laid from an LL Cool J song who wasn't in the 80s was fucking LL Cool J.  Oh well. 

MAMMA SAID YOU GONNA DIE ALONE AND WRITE BLOGS ABOUT IT!

For me the turning point where I stopped caring about constantly trying to get a girlfriend happened on one glorious Thursday night almost 6 years ago.  District 9 was coming out and everything about this movie I was fascinated with.  From the first time I saw the trailer I had put it on my midnight showing list.  I love going to midnight showings of movies that I anticipate, and for the longest time I had a few partners in crime that would end up going to the movies with me.  But…all of my friends in Austin are older than me.  Not only are they older than me, but now they have children, families, and “adult” lives. 

 heh heh…NOOOO…Not like that!  Get your minds out of the gutter!

 I had no choice, and without a date If I wanted to see this movie I’m going to have to go alone.  I played out in my head a thousand different awkward scenarios that I just knew where going to happen to me.  But honestly, how bad could it really be?  It's time for me to venture out into the big world on my own.   So to hell with it!  I bought the tickets and then headed out to the showing.  If you’ve never been to a midnight showing, back in the day there was no assigned seating.  It was just show up as early as possible, and get the best seat you can.  Obviously the earlier you get there the better chance you have of getting a middle of the theatre seat.  So here I am in line, about 2 hrs early and nothing but awkward time to kill.  Holy shit, there are only couples here and guys with friends.  This does not bode well.

Pretty much felt like this for one glorious awkward evening. 

After about an hour and a half of awkwardly staring at my phone, they finally let us in. I cautiously find a primo middle seat and sit down.  I feel like everyone is staring at me.  If you want to go to a movie alone for the first time, its best not to go to the Alamo Drafthouse.  There you are GUARANTEED interaction with at least one person.  I was hoping that as a server there, he sees loner people at the movies enough in his work life that he wouldn’t question it.  But I was nervous anyway.  You know that feeling when you’ve just told someone that you liked them by rapping a cheesy LL Cool J song…and you are awaiting their response?  And even though it only takes a few seconds, it feels like an eternity of awkwardness?  As I saw my waiter slowly making his way down to me, thats the exact feeling I had.  But again…surely he could probably care less…right?  Annddd here he is.

“Welcome to Alamo Drafthouse!  Have you been here before?”

“Definitely!  I come here quite a bit!”

Please just ask me what I want…

Please just ask me what I want…

Please just ask me what I want…

“Are you expecting anyone else to join you?”

FUCK!  WWHHHYYYYY!!!!!????

Ok Tony…you’re a pretty quick fella.  Think of some quick lie about how you HAD a date, but then she got hit by a bus on the way over here.  And as she laid in a hospital bed she said “you go see that movie you handsome stud you.  I won’t let my injuries bring you down for the night of your life.  That would be selfish of me!”  So, you’re only here alone because you don’t want your date to be selfish.  

God…thats fucking horrible.  No wonder you’re here alone.  Well…just make up some dumb excuse anyway. 

“Nope!  Just me!  Just me all by myself!”

Well that went worse than expected.  Idiot.  

“Wow man…I’m not going to lie but that kind of sucks.”

Great.  Thanks hipster waiter at the Drafthouse.  I’ll be sure to rub my tip cash on my balls before I put it down tonight.  

I ordered a calzone and a beer in the hopes that alcohol will somehow help me feel not so alone, and just like it does every night…It totally worked.  

Still though, I’m looking around because I just know that every single person in the theatre is staring at this dateless nobody.  I can feel their eyes pried on the back of my head laughing at me.  At that moment I would have given anything to be anywhere else.  And then out of no where, a miracle and the kind of thing that only would happen to me occurred.

“FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT…I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!”

Just like that, I snap out of my wallowing trance.  I look up and now all of the attention that I was surely not even getting, was pointed elsewhere.  Across the theatre from me was a youngish attractive female…beating the living shit out of her boyfriend with a Drafthouse menu.  

“I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU”

This was going on for at least 25 seconds.  IT WAS AMAZING!

She let out one last frustrated white girl scream and ran out of the theatre crying.  Her boyfriend slowly got up and surveyed the entire theatre.  He grabbed his hat, put it LOW on his face, and walked out the theatre as fast as he possibly could.   Across the Isle from them, a large gentlemen with a big bushy beard walked to where they were sitting, picked up the menu, held it up above his head and yelled

“BUT WHO WILL THINK OF THE MENUS!!!  WWWHHHOOOOOO!!!???”  

All while pretending to fake cry.  It was hilarious to me.  Mostly because he was a fat guy and everything fat people do that is funny turns out to be hilarious.  

Shortly after, the lights finally went out and the movie started.  And by God if it didn’t turn out to be one of my favorite movies of all time.  

After the movie on my drive home started thinking back on the night.  Sure I was alone…but fuck…I could have been the other guy.  I feel like that guy would have traded places with me in a heart beat.   All in all I felt pretty great.  It was like for the first time the Single Gods were laughing with me, and not at me.   I made it a mission to start trying to do things on my own and stop caring about those prying eyes judging me for not being in those socially acceptable relationships that everyone else was in.  And damn…it was freeing.  Sure it would be nice to do all of the fun stuff I do with someone else but honestly if it never happens, I think ill be just fine.

Because Fuck It...I've got beer!